21 Jan 2008
Single again, free to roam
oh Dear Diary, :p
another relationship comes to an end.
It's been a hard 2 years. But because it's been hard I've learnt a lot. If ever there was a relationship designed to teach a strong mentality this would have been it.
Romance - `yuk`, weak leadership - `I don't feel like it tonight`.
A challenging relationship. I felt I could do anything. I felt like a million dollars, like I could change the world and change her to something she wasn't. I might have tried all my life to change her and never given up.
Love isn't enough. Passion isn't enough. I know this because we had it. It needs work. It needs promises. This is Juggler territory, but don't compartmentalize, life is all one. Love and lust are different but also in the same arena.
What can be learnt?
We'd been together a year and a half. I was send away on work for 4 months. Halfway through I broke down a little but I kept non approach game up. The self worth of being in love made me awesome. One night 4 girls qued up one after the other to hug me and say goodbye. Another and this girl is rubbing her cheek against mine. I feel like my genes are fully activated and I'm expressing how I really am for once in my life.
But then, something feels wrong. After not seeing my girl for 4 months I suddenly relise I can do better. I have had kinder girlfriends, that's the main thing. Interest from prettier girls is just a bonus, and not something I'd think about had I not been away for so long.
So I call her up. We've already booked a holiday together. I suggest selling the place. But the name can't be changed. After giving away my feelings she says `but you're only the most amazing person I've met`. I feel regret but wonder if this is her gaming me. We decide to not be a couple on the holiday. This is going to be very hard I tell myself.
I am now in the situation of sleeping in the same bed as a LJBF, both of us naked and both of us in love with each other. She says it's better not to touch. She's right but she's alpha'ed me again.
As the holiday goes on I be myself. With no intentional game (pure natural) and inhibited only by my sorrow for not being with her every other woman in the shallay is attracted to me. Unfortunately, because I have been faithful (a value core to my identity), I have no experience in converting this attraction and comfort to something more (seduction).
As she witnesses this attraction my ex becomes attracted to me once again. That night I find myself saying `I would pay £10 for a hug with you, you know` she does but leaves before fair. I say because of this I won't pay. This gets my ego out of a bad one. I then ask `how much for another?` to my amazement she says `free`. But auto-pilot sneaks though and I escalate to a kiss too quickly, falling into old habits, forgetting it's been so long and she's sensitive. `sorry I can't do this` she says and I relise I've blown it. She's unintentionally prick teased me and my hormones are raging in me. As I try to sleep she moans pretending to be asleep and pulls the covers off. But now I don't want to do it and she's teasing me. But I can do better than her and this isn't going to help me get over her. I get about an hour's worth of sleep as my resting heart rate levels off at 140bpm. I hate her and imagine grabbing her passionately and giving her that excuse of `he did it to me`.
The next day things actually clear up. We spend the day together and I'm reminded of why she's a bad choice even if it is a strong love. I avoid her as best I can.
Meanwhile I'm building from M1 and M2 with every other girl in the shallay. But M3 seems impossible and not advisable as I do want to split with this girlfriend. That would be out of my depth. I never do get this far. I resolve to study this. That stage (M3) has always been a leap and that's not natural. It has to be as natural as sliding into a hot bath. Need to work on this. I should start by helping cheering up some lonely big girls.
At the end of the week all the girls hug me goodbye. I wonder if I can build on this success. It's a great environment. But I worry the success was due to social proof from the ex girlfriend. She's been posing me off, DHV'ing me to make herself look good (because she's so obvious it makes me cringe). Could she actually be trying to pass me off to another girl out of the goodness of her heart? Does she have a heart now? I ponder this ray of hope.
Meanwhile on the ski slopes I go recklessessly fast. I find if I'm on the limit my mind is free of her. But every contact back with her sets me back to zero. Especially sleeping at night. We never do have sex. As a result of this though my testosterone feels like a train. When she's not in my mind I am confident and powerful. A man on the slopes leading a group of 30 (i.e. higher status) swears at me for going too fast. I confront him in the most quietly and cooly alpha of ways. I feel I could break his neck, nothing to lose, a man quite literally possessed. Never before have I felt this way. Suddenly it seems sexual frustration makes the world go round, and it's not such a bad thing.
And so, here I am. Alone, frankly. A hill to climb. The game will soon be all I have.
Or have I? I haven't completed a cold approach though all the way, my wing's approaches being the big successes. Plus the m3 problem. It's scary. I'm hot now, but loneliness is still the default.
But in time I've built things. A friend has a new network through a new girlfriend that's useful. There is now the option of online dating and speed dating.
By links from my wing are now gone as he has moved. That seems tough. I have to look at something else to be socialable. Time for a new wing and number close that prospect.
I lost the AA on holiday but perhaps that's a different environment. I will now need to be socialable as much as possible. And I'll need those cold approaches. Travel can help me here. Adventures to be had.
The challenge to prevent the sex agenda.
Now I want to travel the world. Morroco or back to the slopes for a base. 2 friends in Australia to explore, a friend in south america to explore. Now I will analyse those prospects with a PUA perspective. Where will the game lead me to my new home?
- get in touch with your feminine side. Helps bridge the gap
- be socialable, meet people
- keep a group, group your populaism
- serve your group, look out for people, be good